So lately I have found it hard to post on my blog and it hasn’t been because I didn’t want to or anything like that. Weirdly, I have felt a disconnect with my writing and couldn’t bring myself to start putting pen to paper and hand to keyboard; often writers will describe what is commonly known as ‘writers block’ as a hindrance to their creativity but a necessary evil- I completely disagree. I hate this feeling, I hate that I am in a place where I don’t believe in my writing because I have come so far. I hate that whenever I type something, my first reaction is to delete everything because I don’t like the way it sounds. I hate that I don’t think my writing is personal enough and shows who I am because it does, at least thats what I used to think.
Part of me feels like the time I have had away was beneficial and allowed me to get my head straight, whilst the other half feels as though I am inadequate. You see, no one ever tells you how crazy of a journey creativity can be and that your best isn’t always good enough. They don’t tell you that good mental health and the ability to create is very much interlinked because these last few weeks I have felt distanced from my normal state of being… I have had this dreaded feeling that something was off and when I think about all the stuff thats happened to me in the time that I have been away, it feels so wrong to say that because in retrospect these last couple have been some of the best I have ever had so why do I feel like everything is wrong.
In the time that I have been away I have been offered the biggest opportunity of my life *more on that soon*, attempted to start a vegetarian diet, gone to a really shoddy 90’s party and turned 19. In other news there is now only 49 days until christmas which means a new Micheal Buble album is out and supermarkets are already stripping down halloween decorations in favour for stuffed santas and mistletoe, oh yeah and the clocks went back meaning it might be time to dust off those puffer jackets.
Maybe I am just suffering from the winter blues, it wouldn’t be the first time that the cold, dark winter nights made me feel anxious and quite frankly probably won’t be the last but I also know that I need to begin getting my mind aligned with my body because right now the two are playing a game of tug of war with my emotions. I also don’t think it helps that I suffer from PCOS and with my hormones so out of control, I often suffer from horrible mood swings. But one thing is for sure I need to fix my self because this blog is far too important for me to fall off, I promise that I will overcome this and get back to blogging because I love all of you doves.
Until next time,